blog.lancehaun.com

This is probably boring to most of you…and it is a 3am post so you know it probably isn’t going to make a ton of sense.I was just reading through old blogs, things that are now carefully protected with 128 bit security and crap like that. It makes me feel stupid. It also makes me feel like I’ve come so far. It gives me a tingling sensation in my…well, nevermind.

I know people have these idiotic sayings like “Regret nothing.” No man, I regret more than a few things. I’ve done stupid things and those are things I wish I hadn’t done. It wasn’t even a learning experience, unless being reminded that stoves are hot is a learning experience in your early 20s. Reading through that period in my life refreshed my forgiveness of those who wronged me and reminded me to be humbled to those whom I wronged. It also reminded me that I have become something much bigger than I could see then and that is something to be proud of.

I realize this post is probably stupid to everyone but me and that’s fine with me.  This really hearkens back to the times when I was posting emo music lyrics and writing stupid songs that mean barely anything to me today. But, it is just a testament to the way my life changed dramatically for the better in an instant.

I wrote this because I was reminded about it in several ways: a person posting about their relationship, an email from my wife telling me how much she loved me, and hanging out with people who I know I will always be close to (no matter the distance). So for the past two hours, I’ve been looking back entry by entry, to other friend’s journals and websites long since abandoned to really appreciate where I am right now.  In times of confusion and conflict, that’s a common thing to do but in these times of peace and serenity, it truly has hit me how fortunate I am to be in this place, right now.

I haven’t had a single regret since July 3rd, 2003. That was the day that I knew I was going to marry my wife. It was also the day that I got the rest of my life put together so that I could make it happen (because she wasn’t convinced yet, haha). And in that time, I’ve probably made thousands of little mistakes but none that makes me think “You are one stupid bastard” like reading through those back entries did.

We don’t have a cutsy “How we met and got married” story (if you do, more power to you). Our story is complicated, rife with redemption and defeat and then redemption once more. But I wouldn’t trade a single moment of the last four and a half years with anything or anyone.  Maybe it is a state of mind, maybe nobody who is close to me has noticed the change. I’ve dealt with two loses of grandparents in a six month time frame and all I can think about now is how fortunate I was to have them, to learn from their wisdom and to grow old enough to appreciate them (and tell them so) before they passed away. I couldn’t imagine how I would have dealt with that in the past.

Anyway, I just wanted to post this because I feel like I never write about how I feel personally anymore beyond superficialities. Maybe this is just my way of proving to myself (and to you perhaps) that the happiness I have today isn’t a fleeting, shallow thing. Whatever, right? There was just nothing to write about my feelings that weren’t overwhelmingly positive and I guess I don’t need to write about that as much because it doesn’t change.